Paulo's Parlour of Amusement

[Pina]

ADVICE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. No one is listening until you fart.

3. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

5. If you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

8. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

9. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

10. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and alot of that comes from bad judgement.

11. A closed mouth gathers no foot. That one is for me!

12. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

13. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

14. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

16. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Paulo]

A good, real, unrestrained, hearty laugh is a sort of glorified internal massage, performed rapidly and automatically. It manipulates and revitalizes corners and unexplored crannies of the system that are unresponsive to most other exercise methods. ~Author unknown, from an editorial in New York Tribune, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

[Paulo]

Mothers Headache

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

[Paulo]

[DagmarS]

[Paulo]

Many of us find ourselves at a loss, when told "You don't know Jack Schitt".
But thanks to my efforts on geneology, I can now pass on my findings.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the German fertilizer magnate. He married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn Jack married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Hollie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against parental advice and objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt, a High School dropout. After 15 years of marriage Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt
divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name and so was known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition. His name was Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were totally inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper read Schitt-Happens.
They had three children, Dawg, Byrd and Hors.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, went on to tour the world finally returning with an italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So from now on, when someone tells you, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you do!