All Things Seinfeld

[WSnake69]

If only it could be Festivus everyday

"I'm outta here" or

"Serenity NOW"

[Pina]

Seinfeld Quotes

GEORGE QUOTES

"Its not a lie, if you believe its true."

"But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I got it all."

"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. Its one of the things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up!"

"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."

"I don't want hope, hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When your hopeless, you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."

"Do you ever get down on your knees and thank god you have access to my dementure."

"I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me they're thinking, that's why I'm not hetrosexual."

"So I started to walk in the water. I won`t lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don`t know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a Marine Biologist."

"Her back went out. She`s gonna be in hospital for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was "Why George why?" I said, Because it`s there!"

"Please, a little respect as I am Costanza, Lord of the idiots"

"Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?"

"Oh my god. An affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money."

"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"

"It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And I'm not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!"

George - "She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!"
Jerry - "This is your plan?"
George - "No, no, I'm just thinking."
Jerry - "I don't think you are."

"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'"

"I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure."

KRAMER QUOTES

"I'm out!!!!!!!"

"Jerry, it's LA. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress. She's a siren. She's a virgin. She's a whooooore"

"Darren if you'd told me 10 years ago I'd be solving the worlds oil problems I would have said you're crazy now lets throw this giant ball of oil out the window"

"You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: 'It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one'"

"No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody"

"Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane"

"Stick a fork in me Jerry, I'm done. (after he uses butter on his skin and falls asleep on the roof)"

"You know they're mentally disturbed. They should be sent to Australia." (on the subject of hit-and-run drivers)

"Man's Best Friend... Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone." (after reading stones in the pet cemetery)

"Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine." (admiring George's hands)

"I never realised what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one." (talking about George, who is now wearing a toupee)

"Now see the two of you need to work on trust - and then, and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts - the cornerstones of any healthy relationship... and now if you would (taps the door twice with his new walking stick) excuse us. We need to get to bed."

JERRY QUOTES

"Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you've got to rock a while and then it goes over"

"I think he regifted, then he degifted, now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a superbowl sex romp"

"I don't think you do. If you did, I would have a car. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them"

"I'm sorry, I'm a little tied up now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later... Oh, you don't like being called at home? Well, now you know how I feel." (hangs up)

"Yeah, you know it's a shame his (George) parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal"

"Meanwhile, I'm in this Contest I'm dating a virgin somethings gotta give"

"If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say 'You're so good looking!'"

"Hello, 911? How are ya?"

"But the thing you don't realise is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hairbrushing - good. Naked crouching - bad"

"I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted"

FRANK COSTANZA QUOTES

"You sayin` you want a piece of me?"

Frank: "Let me understand, you take the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So who`s having sex with the hen?
Mr Ross: "They`re all chickens. The rooster is having sex with all of them."
Frank: "That`s perverse!"

"Your not performing any rituals in the house....And stay away from those squirrels!"

"Many Christmas`s ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him. I realised, there had to be another way."

"It(the doll) was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!"

"Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I have a lot of problems with you people! And your gonna hear about it! You Kruger, my son tells me your company stinks!"

"Stop crying, and fight your father!"

[Pina]

Aah yes, "The Kramer"... a formidable work of art!

[Pina]

[WSnake69]

Kramer

"you my friend are an anti-Dentite"

"it's go time Jerry"

[Pina]

LOL Simon!

This is my absolute favourite Karmer episode (scene from The Watch):

[Dr Reston's Office]

(On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces himself to Dr Reston.)

KRAMER: Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you.

RESTON: (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in.

KRAMER: Thank you.

RESTON: Please, sit down.

(Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each other, he crosses his legs.)

KRAMER: (quiet) Okay.

(Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed legs sitting position.)

RESTON: Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything?

KRAMER: Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino?

RESTON: I don't think we have that.

KRAMER: Well, that's a little strange.

RESTON: Uh, why does that surprise you?

KRAMER: Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink

RESTON: This is an office.

KRAMER: That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh...

RESTON: (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...

KRAMER: ...Okay, yes, shoot.

RESTON: Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.

KRAMER: Oh, alrighty uh...

(He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from the leather)

KRAMER: Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary situation.

RESTON: Is it?

KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it.

...

[Dr. Reston's Office]

(Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.)

KRAMER: You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. (points) You, are absolutely right.

RESTON: I'm glad we agree.

KRAMER: (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, they're Cubans.

RESTON: I'd love one.

(Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.)

KRAMER: Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two are gonna make a wonderful couple.

(Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.)

RESTON: If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone...

KRAMER: (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.

RESTON: ...About anything. You have my number.

KRAMER: (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you.

(Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.)

KRAMER: Mmm, these are good, huh?

(Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.)

KRAMER: (quiet) Oh.

(Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.)