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Post by Pina on Dec 10, 2003 3:14:52 GMT
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Post by Pina on Jan 9, 2004 5:04:45 GMT
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.
You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual
honor given to the person who did the "gene pool" the
most service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was
the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over onto him as he was attempting to tip a
free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a cheap way to
get drunk, because he was short of money to buy
alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly,
upon ingesting this concoction it made him ill, and he
immediately vomited into an open fireplace in his
house, which had a small wood fire burning in it. The
resulting explosion burned his house down, killing
both him and his sister.
8. Police report that a 34-year-old white male found
dead in the basement of his home had died of
suffocation. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt,
white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a
woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to dress up
in a schoolgirl's uniform. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed, and a rubber hose attached in its place.
The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approximately 12" long and 3" in diameter. For
reasons not determined the other end of the tube had
been inserted into his rectum. This was found to be
the direct cause of his suffocation. Police found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light
aircraft at low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears that they decided to "moon"
the occupants of the other plane, but they lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were
all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call.
Details provided was that someone had reported that
his father was not breathing. Upon entry the officer
found the man lying naked, face down on the couch.
When she rolled him over to check for a pulse, and to
start CPR, she noticed he had burn marks around his
genitals. After the ambulance removed the man - who
was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the
police made a closer inspection of the couch. They
noted that the man had made a space between the
cushions and he made a small hole in the base of the couch.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what
had caused his death. Apparently, the man had put his
penis down through the hole and between two electrical
oscillating sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). Their report stated that after his
orgasm the discharge sperm had shorted out one of the
sanders and electrocuted him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not normal
qualify for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
by her electronic "Tamagotchi" key ring, which had
started urgently beeping for food while she drove
along the highway. In an attempt to press the correct
buttons to save the "Tamagotchi's" life, the woman
lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators believe Barcia was alone, because his
car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had assembled was appreciably greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground." Police
say the apparent cause of death was as a result of
"Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from a rattlesnake bite. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend,
no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was also
hospitalized, but recovered.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of natural gas. Sensibly, the
management promptly evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, 2 technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
that they were having difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses, from a building overlooking the 2
technicians, later described that they had seen one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket to retrieve
an object which resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the building up
to a mile away. Nothing was found of the technicians.
The lighter was found virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast was described as 'not too bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the crank on the machine while Sanchez's scrotum was
in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed beyond his threshold
of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than
his testicles are in a normal stance, and it turned
out that the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's
scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever, remaining in
the ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed and flattened beyond recovery as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and he was using to
balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for emergency surgery, and the remaining threesome
were asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count for a Darwin
award, because the idiot didn't die. But because he
is no longer able to reproduce, as a result of his
qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed this
incident.
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Post by Paulo on Jan 13, 2004 19:44:16 GMT
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Post by Pina on Jan 22, 2004 12:44:12 GMT
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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Post by Paulo on Jan 25, 2004 22:36:46 GMT
Benefits of Chicken Blood
"American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
"It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better." ;D
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Post by Pina on Jan 26, 2004 15:50:19 GMT
A few words from the visionary American Comedian Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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